I guess I have to fess up. I'm leaving behind Stoicism.
Now, don't take as me saying Stoicism doesn't work and everyone should jump ship. Far from it. It helped me in many ways, but truth told, it was hurting me, too, and it was only until last night did I see it.
Perhaps it's my nature, but I took things to the extreme. If things outside of me aren't in my control and don't matter, why did what was inside matter more? By all reasoning, the world shaped everything that I am, so I can't lay claim to who I am as only mine. So, none of what I felt or thought mattered, either. And let me tell you, when that happens, nothing works.
Again, Stoicism didn't fail me -- more like the other way around. I couldn't help but reason the above and so, instead of tranquility, I just felt like nothing mattered. A good Stoic would tell you apathy isn't what Stoicism is, but a good Stoic wouldn't let themselves fall into such a state, either.
So, I'm stepping back a bit, taking in a new view. Maybe what I'm becoming is a Skeptic. Or maybe just some armchair philosopher that likes thought experiments and heavy thinking as a hobby. But I came to realize I was no longer a thinker. I was just some dogmatic asshole who, instead of trying to see the world for what it was, was seeing the world as a Stoic trying to be right,
And that's no fun.
I don't want to drive away any Stoics, mind you. I'd be lying if I said I don't think most of what Stoicism says seems right (which I get more into in a different post). But for now, I just wanted to let everyone know, finally, what the real truth of the matter was.
